Incandescent

tjhgbvweiufg

2011-02-26T06:16:00.001-08:00

January February March April May, I'm alive

Terrified Again

2011-01-26T08:55:00.001-08:00

saying again
if you do not teach me I shall not learn
saying again there is a last
even of last times
last times of begging
last times of loving
of knowing not knowing pretending
a last even of last times of saying
if you do not love me I shall not be loved
if I do not love you I shall not love

the churn of stale words in the heart again
love love love thud of the old plunger
pestling the unalterable
whey of words

terrified again
of not loving
of loving and not you
of being loved and not by you
of knowing not knowing pretending
pretending

I and all the others that will love you
if they love you

unless they love you

I am vertical

2010-12-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

But I would rather be horizontal

Then the sky and I are in open conversation,

And I shall be useful when I lie down finally;

The trees may touch me for once and the flowers have time for me

Pedant

2010-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

"'Think how you love me,' she whispered. 'I don't ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside me there'll always be the person I am tonight.'"

Just ordered five books from BookDepository i cannot wait :)

Bland

2010-11-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.

Here

2010-10-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

After O's I will

-exercise

-lose weight x10

-bake!

-hopefully get a job and work

-earn money

-shop

-save money (hahahah irony)

-go on a spree @borders John Green Anne Sexton Dorianne Laux Charles Bukowski hihihi

-learn to cycle

-clear my piles and piles of books

-pray for good results

-be ready to accept bad results

-

2010-10-17T02:46:00.000-07:00

The courage of the shut mouth, in spite of artillery!
The line pink and quiet, a worm, basking.
There are black disks behind it, the disks of outrage,
And the outrage of the sky, the lined brain of it.
The disks revolve, they ask to be heard--

Loaded, as they are, with accounts of bastardies.
Bastardies, usages, desertions and doubleness,
The needle journeying in its groove,
Silver beast between two dark canyons,
A great surgeon, now a tattooist,

Tattooing over and over the same blue grievances,
The snakes, the babies, the tits
On mermaids and two-legged dream girls.
The surgeon is quiet, he does not speak.
He has seen too much death, his hands are full of it.

So the disks of the brain revolve, like the muzzles of cannon.
Then there is that antique billhook, the tongue,
Idefatigable, purple. Must it be cut out?
It has nine tails, it is dangerous.
And those it flays from the air, once it gets going!

No, the tongue, too, has been put by,
Hung up in the library with the engravings of Rangoon
And the fox heads, the otter heads, the heads of dead rabbits.
It is a marvelous object--
The things it has pierced in its time.

But how about the eyes, the eyes, the eyes?
Mirrors can kill and talk, they are terrible rooms
In which a torture goes on one can only watch.
The face that lived in this mirror is the face of a dead man.
Do not worry about the eyes--

They may be white and shy, they are no stool pigeons,
Their death rays folded like flags
Of a country no longer heard of,
An obstinate independancy
Insolvent among the mountains.

-Sylvia Plath

Satori

2010-10-05T03:27:00.000-07:00

"And I hear the bray of my old heart. I am. I am. I am."

I don't want to live life with any should've, could've and would'ves

Nineteen days

Me at my worst

2010-10-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

"There's some people in this world who you can just love and love and love no matter what."

Violet Hill

2010-09-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

I took my love down to Violet Hill

There we sat in the snow

All that time she was silent still

If you love me, won"t you let me know?

I lost my Sylvia Plath book, damn public transport.

And, dear Mags thanks for never giving up on me as a friend,

means more than i can say, I know you won't read this but...anyway

At this rate

2010-09-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

"And by the way, everything is writable as long as you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

Yesssss

Pull

2010-09-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

"We are all going to die, all of us, what a circus!

That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't.

We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities,

we are eaten up by nothing."

Time keeps passing me by and i am getting increasingly fatigued

I hate how my self worth is solely determined by my academic excellence (or lack thereof) in this day and age, I mean it when I say I wouldn't study if I had a choice. Not out of laziness because I believe knowledge can be acquired in a myriad of ways. I have been feeling incessantly resentful toward education of late

..........

Want

2010-09-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

The gamut of life

2010-09-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

Gotta get to kinokuniya or borders to find books by him (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Tomorrow. :)

Fatigue

2010-05-06T03:44:00.000-07:00

Plagurize

2010-04-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

What is love?

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?

It isn't love, its like.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off them, is that right?

It isn't love, its lust.

Are you proud and eager to show them off?

It isn't love, its pride.

Do you want them because you know they're there?

It isn't love, its loneliness.

Are you there because its what everyone wants?
It isn't love, its loyalty.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't love, its low-confidence.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, its pity.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love, its infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't love, its friendship.

Do you tell them everyday they're the only one you think of?
It isn't love, its a lie.

Are you willing to give up all your favorite things for their sake?

It isn't love, its charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?

Then it's love.

Do you cry for their pain even when they're strong?
Then its love.

Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's love.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there?
Then it's love.

Do you accept their faults because its part of who they are?
Then it's love.

Are you attracted to others but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?

Think about it for a second.

Pray

2010-03-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

x

No rules to this thing

2010-03-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Questions

2010-02-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

"All that stuff you try to do and nothing ever works. Makes me think of the story of the little mermaid. It’s like you said yes to an enormous sacrifice so you could have legs and mix with others. And every step is excruciatingly painful. What everybody else does with mind-blowing ease demands unbelievable effort from you"

Trois

2010-01-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

Three months, a happy three months at that.
I love you K.
(For eating my dysfunctional peanut butter and jelly sandwich today)
(For trying, and failing, to wake me up.)
(For everything else too.)

Lessons end at 1545 tomorrow, cheerleading then violin.
CCA on tuesday, thursday and camp on friday till saturday.

'The purpose of His preserving is the purpose of my perserverance.'

Use somebody

2010-01-04T04:57:00.000-08:00

'I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.'
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Can I stay for awhile?

2009-12-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

Maybe a greater thing
Will happen
Maybe all will see
Maybe our love will catch on fire
As it burns through me

I'm going to miss you sweetie, more coherent updates tomorrow x

Because someone had to tell you

2009-12-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

"You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. And only then can you say, 'All right, I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.' "

Tell it like it is

2009-11-22T18:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice.
-Michael Jackson

Its not nice.

I stopped keeping track

2009-11-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

Michael Bublé and Lusiana Lopilato should get married and live happily ever after.

Assurances

2009-11-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

Love -- is anterior to Life --
Posterior -- to Death --
Initial of Creation, and
The Exponent of Earth --
-Emily Dickinson

2009-11-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

sitting by the sidewalk along the beach of shimmering water with vast amounts of efferverscence, i watched the small kids enjoying their summer break with their parents. i watched with jealousy as i didnt have that kinda childhood. life then was terribly wrong for we live in the slums. india was well known for its poor standard of living. what could i say? it wasnt as much affable compared to singapore. this part of india i lived in was only popular among traders due to the attractive port which was planned for attracting ships for business and piracy. this village is corrupt and my family and i started to fun for a better life in the westside of the country. upon coming to a quintessential spot in the middle of no where, it was there where i knew i would start my life a fresh with the arrival of the newborn.

``by a stranger

Let go

2009-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

'Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women, they look silly wearing even one.'

Malfunctioned day.
I've started on my personal revision of sec3 stuff, hardly though.
Church, home. I hope tomorrow will be better.
After all things only get better, optimism ya'll

Dear G, you're th sweetest, ice creammmm! x

Forever and a day

2009-11-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

Day 90

2009-11-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

'I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if its possible forever and ever.'
-Jim Carrey

Lessons in school have been surprisingly pleasant, Mel's promotion bbq yesterday. Completely proved my culinary prowess, discounting the confusion with the tongs for charcoal and food. Felt a little out of sorts, healthwise that is, gave school a miss. Got recommended a site by Mel, helped me realize I'm not the only one who fills the recesses of my mind with amusing albeit worthless thoughts. Check it out: http://goodquotes.com/funnythoughts.htm

RS with Nigel and Vivi later, have a good thursday everybody x

Wanting to be haunted

2009-10-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

Cinderella

The prince leans to the girl in scarlet heels,
Her green eyes slant, hair flaring in a fan
Of silver as the rondo slows; now reels
Begin on tilted violins to span

The whole revolving tall glass palace hall
Where guests slide gliding into light like wine;
Rose candles flicker on the lilac wall
Reflecting in a million flagons' shine,

And glided couples all in whirling trance
Follow holiday revel begun long since,
Until near twelve the strange girl all at once
Guilt-stricken halts, pales, clings to the prince

As amid the hectic music and cocktail talk
She hears the caustic ticking of the clock.

Sometimes, at times, most times

2009-10-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

It can't go on forever
It would if it could
But there is no use talking
For it couldn't if it would

-Walter Sickert

When i say cute

2009-10-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

You say incredibly.

Here we are

2009-10-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

'Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now, live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted.'
-Sylvia Plath

Love by yourself

2009-10-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Normalities

2009-09-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

"It's like when you were twelve and what was cool was cool and now you're fourteen and two years have passed and what's old is distinguished by each individual, but you're confused, because no one tells you how to think anymore, everyone just assumes you know. It's like a mass of bipolar, and your thoughts are rampaging on each other, and there's a massacre in your mind and you can't decipher who will be left ruling things up there."

Vous

2009-09-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

"Don't waste your time worrying about BGR-- boys and girls will come and go. Don't waste your time caring about the people who don't like you--chances are you don't like them either. Don't waste your time worrying if people are talking about you-- you affected their lives, they didn't affect yours. Waste your time with friends-- live for the moment, laugh often, be immature, do
anything and everything, If it's something you'll regret in the morning, sleep late & when you wake up, laugh about it, because your friends are what matter most. When you have your friends...you
have everything."

Day 19

2009-08-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Miracles occur,
If you care to call them spasmodic
Tricks of radiance miracles.
The wait's begun again,
The long wait for the angel
For that rare, random descent.

Can you say optimism?

Everything in transition

2009-08-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

I suppose i miss having a place t write about random stuff that i think actually mean something.
So, who knows whether I'll delete this anytime in a week? Or maybe in a few months.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you,
I'm not sorry its over.
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save,
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

I don't really like it when songs get stuck in my head, though this one is pretty nice.
xx