I am vertical

But I would rather be horizontal

Then the sky and I are in open conversation,

And I shall be useful when I lie down finally;

The trees may touch me for once and the flowers have time for me

Pedant

"'Think how you love me,' she whispered. 'I don't ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside me there'll always be the person I am tonight.'"

Just ordered five books from BookDepository i cannot wait :)

Bland

I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.

Here

After O's I will

-exercise

-lose weight x10

-bake!

-hopefully get a job and work

-earn money

-shop

-save money (hahahah irony)

-go on a spree @borders John Green Anne Sexton Dorianne Laux Charles Bukowski hihihi

-learn to cycle

-clear my piles and piles of books

-pray for good results

-be ready to accept bad results

-

The courage of the shut mouth, in spite of artillery!
The line pink and quiet, a worm, basking.
There are black disks behind it, the disks of outrage,
And the outrage of the sky, the lined brain of it.
The disks revolve, they ask to be heard--

Loaded, as they are, with accounts of bastardies.
Bastardies, usages, desertions and doubleness,
The needle journeying in its groove,
Silver beast between two dark canyons,
A great surgeon, now a tattooist,

Tattooing over and over the same blue grievances,
The snakes, the babies, the tits
On mermaids and two-legged dream girls.
The surgeon is quiet, he does not speak.
He has seen too much death, his hands are full of it.

So the disks of the brain revolve, like the muzzles of cannon.
Then there is that antique billhook, the tongue,
Idefatigable, purple. Must it be cut out?
It has nine tails, it is dangerous.
And those it flays from the air, once it gets going!

No, the tongue, too, has been put by,
Hung up in the library with the engravings of Rangoon
And the fox heads, the otter heads, the heads of dead rabbits.
It is a marvelous object--
The things it has pierced in its time.

But how about the eyes, the eyes, the eyes?
Mirrors can kill and talk, they are terrible rooms
In which a torture goes on one can only watch.
The face that lived in this mirror is the face of a dead man.
Do not worry about the eyes--

They may be white and shy, they are no stool pigeons,
Their death rays folded like flags
Of a country no longer heard of,
An obstinate independancy
Insolvent among the mountains.

-Sylvia Plath

Satori

"And I hear the bray of my old heart. I am. I am. I am."

I don't want to live life with any should've, could've and would'ves

Nineteen days

Me at my worst

"There's some people in this world who you can just love and love and love no matter what."

Violet Hill

I took my love down to Violet Hill

There we sat in the snow

All that time she was silent still

If you love me, won"t you let me know?

I lost my Sylvia Plath book, damn public transport.

And, dear Mags thanks for never giving up on me as a friend,

means more than i can say, I know you won't read this but...anyway

At this rate

"And by the way, everything is writable as long as you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."

Yesssss

Pull

"We are all going to die, all of us, what a circus!

That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't.

We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities,

we are eaten up by nothing."

Time keeps passing me by and i am getting increasingly fatigued

I hate how my self worth is solely determined by my academic excellence (or lack thereof) in this day and age, I mean it when I say I wouldn't study if I had a choice. Not out of laziness because I believe knowledge can be acquired in a myriad of ways. I have been feeling incessantly resentful toward education of late

..........

Want

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

The gamut of life

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

Gotta get to kinokuniya or borders to find books by him (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Tomorrow. :)

Fatigue

Plagurize

What is love?

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?

It isn't love, its like.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off them, is that right?

It isn't love, its lust.

Are you proud and eager to show them off?

It isn't love, its pride.

Do you want them because you know they're there?

It isn't love, its loneliness.

Are you there because its what everyone wants?
It isn't love, its loyalty.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't love, its low-confidence.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't love, its pity.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love, its infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't love, its friendship.

Do you tell them everyday they're the only one you think of?
It isn't love, its a lie.

Are you willing to give up all your favorite things for their sake?

It isn't love, its charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?

Then it's love.

Do you cry for their pain even when they're strong?
Then its love.

Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's love.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there?
Then it's love.

Do you accept their faults because its part of who they are?
Then it's love.

Are you attracted to others but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?

Think about it for a second.

x

Pray

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

x

No rules to this thing

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Questions

"All that stuff you try to do and nothing ever works. Makes me think of the story of the little mermaid. It’s like you said yes to an enormous sacrifice so you could have legs and mix with others. And every step is excruciatingly painful. What everybody else does with mind-blowing ease demands unbelievable effort from you"

Trois

Three months, a happy three months at that.
I love you K.
(For eating my dysfunctional peanut butter and jelly sandwich today)
(For trying, and failing, to wake me up.)
(For everything else too.)

Lessons end at 1545 tomorrow, cheerleading then violin.
CCA on tuesday, thursday and camp on friday till saturday.

'The purpose of His preserving is the purpose of my perserverance.'

Use somebody

'I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.'
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning